


Reality

by Jetse (heikun)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Development, M/M, blame actualtobio for this fic, i have written in like 5 years forgive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-14
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2018-02-17 10:31:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2306489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heikun/pseuds/Jetse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>First time writing a fic for this fandom. Apologies for any oocness or UA's. </p>
<p>im actual volleyball trash and i relate to tsukki and kags alot ok os oso SO I WROTE A FIC ABT THEM YEAH</p></blockquote>





	Reality

**Author's Note:**

  * For [souldews](https://archiveofourown.org/users/souldews/gifts).



Tsukishima dislikes Kageyama.

 

It's a known fact that they fight and argue. It's known that they simply don't get along.

* * *

 

"Hey, Tsukishima!" Suga calls from the back of the gym after cleanup one day. He waves the blond middle blocker over and asks him with an apologetic grin to please lock up for him after the rest have finished, since the third years are going off to god-knows-where and he's the only one they trust with the keys. Tsukishima almost doesn't accept, but he finally grudgingly does and waves Suga away distractedly as the silver haired setter shouts his thanks while running to catch up with Daichi and Asahi.

 

He instead puts on his headphones and shuffles his song list. An upbeat jazz piece starts to play, but Tsukishima doesn't and can't be bothered to remember it's name. He only has instrumentals and the occasional nature soundtrack in his iPod, for words were annoying and overlapped with the outside conversation he didn't want but knew he had to listen to. As his music reaches a crescendo, the storeroom door slammed open and the idiot duo burst in, both pushing carts full with volleyballs at top speed and screaming. He ignores them both as the piece moves to a slower speed and rhythm. 

 

In the middle of a particularly melancholy-sounding piano, a volleyball hits against his foot. Tsukishima looks up to see Kageyama standing there, his face looking torn between apologetic and glaring knives at him. Eventually he settles with an annoyed kind of frown.

 

"Sorry," Kageyama says, not sounding the least bit sorry.

 

 "Don't worry about your subjects like that, King." He picks up the volleyball and throws it like he would a normal ball, and relishes in the deepening frown the Kageyama makes at a volleyball not being passed like a volleyball should be. His face looks positively livid at the nickname too, and Tsukishima allows a smirk to slip on his face as Kageyama slams the ball back in the cart with more force than is necessary and storms out.

 

(He doesn't know when he picked up all the little things that Kageyama gets irritated at, and he doesn't really want to.)

* * *

 

Tsukishima really dislikes Kageyama, and vice versa. Well, Tsukishima dislikes many people, but Kageyama especially. He wouldn't say hate, because it takes effort to hate someone, and he isn't about to waste effort hating _him_. Kageyama probably does hate him, because his head is full of volleyballs and he wouldn't understand the delicate differences in emotions even if he was given an entire three year study course in them.

 

Not like Tsukishima knows much about them anyway.

* * *

 

He sees Kageyama behind the gym, crying. Tsukishima remembers the loss to Aoba Johsai, he remembers seeing Kageyama and Hinata scream and the shortie actually _crying_ like children in the gym, releasing their emotions on the volleyballs. He doesn't remember _Kageyama_ crying, though.

 

"Could've done- One more- _One.. mo..re-…_ I fucked up, I," The soft, barely distinguishable whimpers could be heard coming from Kageyama's mouth.

 

He steps closer to the boy, who hasn't noticed him. He's crying hard, with quiet hiccups and gross sniffing sounds. The setter's entire body is shaking, and his frame is slumped and tired, he looks so vulnerable, it would be so easy to just-

 

Tsukishima stops himself and walks away. Even he has limits. And although he would never admit it, the blond middle blocker really felt like he knew what his crying teammate was feeling.

* * *

 

Tsukishima doesn't really realise it, but he drifts into observing the setter. He notes the way he talks in a fast paced way of his own, the way his emotions are shown so plainly on his face its almost laughable, the way he looks at Hinata, and the way he looks after they do one of their crazy quicks.

 

He especially notes the way he looks at Hinata, with a euphoric face and a happy glow surrounding him whenever his toss is hit, and Tsukishima realises that Hinata's probably one of the only people Kageyama has ever cooperated with in his life. That's why Kageyama, despite all his arguing and annoyed remarks at Hinata, still tries to keep him happy and 'encourage' him when the shortie looks anything different from his usual cheerful self. He wants to keep working with Hinata. He doesn't want to lose the spark between them, the chemistry on the court. Kageyama's been let down too many times, Tsukishima knows, to want to lose his team again. Maybe, Tsukishima thinks with a scoff, he wants to have chemistry with Hinata off court too.

 

While the idea sounds laughable and almost idiotic, it bugs Tsukishima even after he pushes it to the corner of his mind.

* * *

 

Tsukishima may not dislike Kageyama so much anymore. He can tolerate him. He's not sure whether Kageyama thinks the same, though.

* * *

 

It starts happening all at once.

 

At the training camp in Tokyo, everyone seems to have changed. They were all practicing harder, working harder, straining their limits and expanding their horizons.

 

Everyone moved on ahead. Tsukishima stayed behind. Like he had always done. But this time, he feels a tiny pang of jealousy, seeing that Kageyama was no longer running alone and that he was with others, racing and striving to be the best team. _No longer the best one alone. The best team._

* * *

 

Kuroo's remark cuts him like a dull knife. Of course Hinata was so much better than him. Of course he was, with his gravity-defying jumps and superhuman spikes and the fact that Kageyama actually _wanted_ to work with him. He was better than him, and they all knew. 

 

As Tsukishima walks back into the rooms, he sees Kageyama staring at him from his futon. The blond middle blocker lazily arches a eyebrow at him and sits down on his own mattress, not bothering to change out of his sweaty clothes from practice. The stare bore holes into his neck as he pulls out his headphones. Finally, after five minutes of being stared at, he turns abruptly and inquires, annoyed, 

 

"What do you want?"

 

Kageyama starts a little, but his surprise quickly morphs into some sort of scowl.

 

"I saw you practicing with Kuroo and Bokuto."

 

Tsukishima stares at him. "And?"

 

"I just wanted to say that you're wrong."

 

The eyebrow gets arched higher, if that was even possible.

 

"About what?"

 

"Thinking that Hinata's better than you."

 

Oh. Tsukishima turns his body to face the setter, who has a determined sort of glare on his face, and he can tell that unless he lets Kageyama say all he has to say, he will be stared at until he reaches his grave.

 

"Was I wrong?" He asks, a small scowl making its way onto his face.

 

"Yes. No. Yes and no," Kageyama stumbles over his words, "I mean, he's good. But so are you. Hinata's a dumbass, but he can jump well and hit my tosses, and he's always ready to go for practice and to get even better. But you. You just do the things you have to. Try to… to get better. Or else you'll be taken off the regulars soon," His face is flushed, and Tsukishima isn't sure whether it's from saying so much in one breath, anger, or embarrassment. It makes him want to smile, just a tiny bit, but he squashes the urge before it develops.

 

"Why are you telling me this?" He says instead. Kageyama bristles, and starts to look a lot like an angry kitten.

 

"I'm saying you can be a good as Hinata if you tried harder, dumbass," He spits out in the direction of Tsukishima, and then gets up and storms out of the room, stumbling over the bags strewn across the floor.

 

Tsukishima allows a bemused smile to cross his face as he closes his eyes and falls down onto his futon. "Try harder, huh? What the hell are you saying, you idiotic excuse for a person."

 

(He definitely doesn't feel happy that Kageyama had called him (in a very roundabout way, but still said nevertheless) a person that he would toss to like Hinata and a person he would maybe cooperate with. Definitely not.)

* * *

 

Tsukishima is okay in Kageyama's presence. Kageyama also doesn't seem to emit hate-fumes when he sees Tsukishima.The third years consider this a step forward. 

 

Kageyama throws him a water bottle after practice one day after they've returned from the training camp, and Tsukishima doesn't really know what to do with it until Suga asked him whether he was going to drink or not. After drinking, he looks at Kageyama with a what-are-you-trying-to-get-at expression and the setter just looks away, face contorting from anxious to annoyed and a range of other emotions. It's just the slightest bit endearing, and Tsukishima is immediately disgusted with himself.

* * *

 

Kageyama understands Tsukishima. He know's how it feels to be shut out and alone. What he doesn't seem to know is how it feels to want to shut people out to the point that they all leave you, but not wanting to be left alone. It was complicated, after all.

* * *

 

He locks up the gym with Kageyama now. Its a routine they have, and then Kageyama goes off to meet Hinata and they walk home while he meets up with Yamaguchi. They even talk a bit, sometimes. Just vague questions and vague answers. Tsukishima knows the unsaid words that hang heavy in the stale air of the gym back storeroom, but he doesn't comment. 

 

Just because he wanted to (he tells himself that's the only reason) he puts a bit more effort in his practices. Just because he wanted to.

* * *

 

Kageyama understands him. They're so different yet they both know. They know what the crippling loneliness feels like, they both have been let down before, they both stopped trusting and preferred to get results on their own.

 

Kageyama was changing though, and Tsukishima didn't like it.

* * *

 

One night, practice runs extremely late and both Yamaguchi and Hinata rush off home after doing their share of the clean up with apologies to their going-home buddies. After they lock up, by a mutual agreement, Tsukishima and Kageyama walk slowly back, under the darkening twilight sky.

 

Halfway through the deserted side road leading to Kageyama's house (neither of them had commented on the fact that Tsukishima's was in the opposite direction) the setter stops short and turns to face Tsukishima. 

 

"You should try harder in practices. Then you can reach Hinata's level and be really good. You have the height too." He says, eyes steely in the warm night air.

 

Tsukishima stares at him indecrulously. Hadn't he already been putting more effort?

 

"I'm trying as hard as I can." Not really.

 

"You liar." Spot on.

 

Tsukishima shrugs, ignoring the irritation building up inside of him, and walks on. Kageyama follows, but the words don't stop falling out of his mouth like annoying mosquitoes.

 

"You can be as good as him. Then I'll toss to you a lot more. You're really annoying, and I don't like you, but you have skill. Well, I can tolerate it. You. not it." He blabbers on, and Tsukishima has enough.

 

"I'm sorry I'm not Hinata." _What are you saying._

 

"What?"

 

"I'm sorry that I don't care about giving it my all, I'm sorry I'm not living up to your standards, I'm sorry that you're chasing after me like this. It's so pathetic I could laugh." _Stop talking. Stop it now._

 

"I-"

 

"You're so annoying. You and Hinata both. You rush forward trying to get better like idiots and when you fail you lose all your will and you break. But then you get up again, even knowing that you could have the same results. So pathetic." _You're hurting him. Stop. Don't hurt him. Don't-_

 

"…. Maybe you're right," Kageyama looks up at him, a usual frown set on his face. His eyes however, look lost and hurt, but Tsukishima stares evenly back into them, trying not to shake a bit at how broken he looks.

 

"Hinata and I try really hard. So what? We're still going to make it, even if he's a dumbass, because he _tries_. We'll play with all our seniors at Karasuno and we'll win the nationals. But I would want to play with you too. I want you to stand up there with us and try hard and play with all of us," Kageyama's face is iron but his eyes are reddening around the sides and tears are glistening over them, "If you don't want to, fine dumbass. I just wanted to help someone, is all."

 

Tsukishima almost scoffs. 

 

"You? Help someone? You'd never just do it for fun. You've changed a lot, King," Kageyama prickles and oh, Tsukishima hasn't seen his livid face in so long. He would relish in seeing it if the dull ache in his chest that it brings on would go away. 

 

"You're such a dumbass. I tried to help _you_." The last part breaks, and Tsukishima doesn't get a chance to see his face properly after that.

 

Kageyama strides forward and kisses him, a short, bittersweet one that leaves Tsukishima's lips tingling and his heart beating loud. The setter then turns around and walks away from where the slightly stupefied middle blocker is standing. 

 

When Tsukishima regains his senses, Kageyama is nowhere in sight.

* * *

 

Tsukishima doesn't mind Kageyama. Kageyama probably hates Tsukishima. Tsukishima vaguely wonders whether he should hate the other boy also.

* * *

 

Kageyama doesn't talk to him after that. Tsukishima still puts in the effort, he allows the team to get just a little closer to him, and he still watches the setter practice with Hinata on one side of the gym. He sees the smiles they give each other, the small unconscious touches, and the perfect synchrony they have together.

 

He pretends not to know.

* * *

 

While the entire team is walking to Coach Ukai's store for meat buns one day, Hinata suddenly takes Kageyama's hand in his. Everyone stops and stares at them both. Kageyama turns seven different shades of red, and Hinata looks up innocently.

 

"What happened? I'm cold, so I'm stealing Kageyama's body heat."

 

The team laughs at his innocence and Nishinoya starts to tease Kageyama, who is already frowning at Hinata and arguing, but Tsukishima notices that he hasn't let go if the shorter boy's hand.

 

He leaves them silently, heading home by himself.

* * *

 

After that, they start to tolerate each other. It's like they're strangers in some sort of Lukewarm War. They don't speak to each other unless necessary. Their teamwork is not affected, so the seniors can't say anything even if something seems off. Tsukishima stops locking up the gym and Hinata does it with Kageyama instead. He sees them one day while Yamaguchi talks about the math quiz they had in the background. They're holding hands again, and Kageyama's face looks relaxed for once. Hinata's smiling at him, the cold autumn air making them move closer to each other.

 

Tsukishima tears his gaze away from both of them and walks quickly, ignoring Yamaguchi calling after him in worry.

* * *

 

He goes home and for the first time in ages, he cries. It's not the body-wrecking sobs that Kageyama was making after their loss that day. It's hot, quiet, angry tears that won't stop flowing and he realises that this is why, this is why he always loses people, he pushes them away until they give up. Kageyama used to understand him. He used to know how Tsukishima felt. But now, Tsukishima was all alone again. All alone, because you shouldn't get your hopes up and people will let you down over and over again. That's the inevitable outcome of being human.

 

Wrong.

 

Kageyama understood him and tried to help him. It's all Tsukishima's fault that he's not the one holding hands with him, he's not the one grinning at Kageyama's blushing face, its Hinata, not him. He had his chance and he fucked up. Kageyama wasn't to blame. It was himself.

 

Tsukishima likes Kageyama. He really does. He likes how the setter trips over his words in excitement. He likes how he wears his emotions on his sleeves and he likes how he tosses like a machine, perfect and accurate. He likes everything about him, even the annoying bits because it reminds him of what they used to have.

 

The tears slowly come to a stop. His face feels like a mess and even after washing it three times, the red rims around his eyes stay there. He looks in the mirror and breathes in shakily, but deeply.

 

_It's okay to try a little harder, right? Next practice, I'll work just a bit harder. It's okay for me to fail sometimes, because volleyball is a team sport. We win together, and we lose together. So it can't hurt me that much._

 

He walks out of his bathroom and lies down on his bed pulling out his headphones and putting them on. From his iPod, he picks a song that he didn't realise he knew the name of. An upbeat jazz tune plays and he closes his eyes as the music washes over him; and he remembers a volleyball hitting his foot, a death glare, a determined voice, chapped lips brushing against his own. All the things he took for granted, all the things he thought were pointless, a determined voice saying that it couldn't hurt to try a little harder now and then. Tsukishima lets a cynical smile onto his face and he makes a choked kind of sob, letting the cynical look dissolve into a sad, understanding smile. 

 

_I see what you're trying to tell me now, Kageyama._

* * *

 

Tsukishima Kei loved Kageyama Tobio. He just realised it too late.

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing a fic for this fandom. Apologies for any oocness or UA's. 
> 
> im actual volleyball trash and i relate to tsukki and kags alot ok os oso SO I WROTE A FIC ABT THEM YEAH


End file.
